My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize