It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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