ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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