peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
