every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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