my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
