Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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