I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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