First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
