Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
