i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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