There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
