I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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