he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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