Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
