Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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