Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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