walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
