Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
