I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
