This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
