Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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