Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize