My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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