i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Don't make out with my wife yet
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize