I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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