if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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