my phone needs a breathalizer
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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