Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
