I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
