Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
