on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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