he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
worst night to have a conscience
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
