Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
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