Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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