she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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