i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
