just tell him i said nine months
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
