yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You can't special order awesome
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
