i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
