it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
