I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Farmville is her only friend.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
