She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
