I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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