no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
