pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize