i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
