I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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