So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My dick has a subreddit
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
