Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
