you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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