I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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