My Higher Power is John Stamos
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
We are two peas in an std pod
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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