I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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