I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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