I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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