I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
