there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
