Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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