you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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