Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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