The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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