Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
