i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
