He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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