Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize